Gears, Tears, & Fears

Last night I hitched a ride home with my wife. It was Monday. I was tired. It was very wet outside. I could have ridden home, but it was relatively optional. I would have needed to spend an hour cleaning everything, and it just wasn't worth it. Excuses, excuses.

Today I needed to drive because I have a meeting in Burnsville and West Saint Paul this afternoon. Of course it was beautiful this morning.

We have a family of five staying with us- my wife's uncle's family. It looks like I'll be missing the State Road Race this weekend, since we'll be taking a trip up to a cabin. I was ambivalent about this race anyway, and I've lacked any focused preparation for it. Just the same, I would prefer to hit every race possible. I generally have an underlying, subtle feeling of desperation that it only becomes more and more difficult to "train" and race the older I am- that I don't want to miss a single opportunity. It is similar to the feeling I have early in the season, that when it is nice outside I simply MUST be riding- like it is the LAST nice day we will ever have. Ever. Of course this is not true, but at times my wife needs to tolerate and redirect my grumpiness as I am "forced" to participate in other activities.

Lately, I've shifted my attitude about racing, travel, and life in general. I've decided that no matter where we travel, my attitude will be that someday we will return. Several years ago, I traveled to Paris for the first time, and I took photos of everything. I was stressed out trying to see all the sights. We went together this spring, and we had already seen most of the sights, and the real appeal of the trip was in sharing it with each other. It was far more relaxing. I still plan on returning. We've traveled so much in recent years that I don't look at any travel as being "the trip of a lifetime."

Likewise, with racing, I keep thinking that someday I'll "retire"- whether by choice or life circumstances that make racing and training too time-consuming or difficult. Lately, I believe I've integrated biking into more areas of my life. These areas, such as commuting, are ultimately more meaningful and purposeful than merely racing. Racing is a purely gratuitous display of one's performance. You always end up right where you started- albeit exhausted. That's not to say that I don't love it, but it is almost like running on a treadmill. And then there is the time invested in training. But I don't ever really need to quit. I can do this forever- or at least until the appeal naturally wanes.

Switching gears slightly, I'm thinking of riding Gears, Tears, and Fears tonight. It is a club ride sponsored by a non-racing club that I've drifted from. I think I showed up once or twice last year. It often interferes with Tuesday night crits, but there are no races scheduled for a few weeks, aside from the road race this weekend. I have ambivalence about the GTF ride as well. It is a sort of free-for-all club ride that is the antithesis of a "no-drop" ride. The goal seems to be to drop as many people as possible, which in turn promotes very sloppy group riding, like blowing through lights and stop signs to catch up. It is not sponsored by my racing club. If it were, it would sensibly regroup after each hill. Most of the guys who show up for GTF are not racers. I bumped into a regular at a party a month ago, asking why he wasn't showing up at crits anymore. He responded that he was afraid of crashing. I guess, for appearances, GTF serves as a race (of sorts) for non-racers.

The other option is a group ride that leaves from County Cycles. That ride is quite cliquish- not very welcoming. I'd much prefer there was a crit tonight. Maybe my own club has a shop ride tonight. Oddly, most of the guys who showed up at the few I attended last year were never anywhere to be seen on race days. I'll check the message board. At least I'm not ever adverse to riding solo.